St Valentine was a Roman clergyman who lived from 175 AD – 269 AD and died on February 14 the same day people give each other free diabetes packets.  St Valentine lived in Rome during the rule of Claudius II during an era of Roman history when the emperor believed that married men would make worse soldiers. The reason Claudius believed that was since they wanted to return safely to their families or they just wouldn’t join the army in the first place so Emperor Claudius II made it illegal for young men to get married. St Valentine took issue with that new law and he married young couples in secret even though it was illegal. What an absolute lad. Once Claudius II discovered what Valentine was doing he ordered his execution via club. After hitting the clubs he had his head cut off in case he pulled a Rasputin. He was quickly buried before his disciples dug up his body and took it back with them. This execution would mark the day where capitalism reigns supreme and I get a reminder that I ain’t got nobody.

*This piece serves as the opener for a new column focusing on the funnier side of human activity and their hilarious origins*